The Golden Girls and the Psychology of Found Family: A Model for Overcoming Abandonment …
This is the second essay in a series of essays I wrote during Covid-19 about The Golden Girls, family, and my lifelong attachment to the show.
There’s a certain expectation that family is supposed to be permanent. That no matter what happens, no matter the distance, the fractures, the betrayals, family is supposed to be there. It’s an idea reinforced in childhood, in the way people talk about blood ties as unbreakable. But life tends to often, and painfully prove otherwise. Some families drift apart, some relationships turn toxic, and some people find themselves entirely alone, whether by choice or by circumstance. The notion of “family” becomes complicated, something more fluid than fixed.
I’ve spent much of my life circling this idea. Looking at what it means to belong and who you can count on when the people who were supposed to be there simply aren’t. Growing up as a latchkey Gen X’er, I spent most of my time with my grandparents, people who became my foundation when other family ties felt tenuous. Later, when I found myself in Felixstowe, England — a small Victorian seaside town where I was nearly the only American — I experienced an entirely different kind of distance. It wasn’t just geographical. It was the feeling of being untethered, of not having people who truly understood where I came from or who I was. And all of that was during a period of my life when I was trying to cement and figure out who I was.
Unexpectedly, it was during these years that I often returned to memories of my grandparents in Pennsylvania for comfort. But just as often, I returned to getting stuck late at night watching episodes of The Golden Girls on re-runs. The show was more than an escape; it was a blueprint for what family could look like beyond blood.
The Need for Found Family:
Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia weren’t related by birth, yet they functioned as a family unit. They argued, supported each other, challenged one another, and ultimately chose, every single day, to remain in each other’s lives. The key word here is chose. That’s what made their bond different from the kind people are simply born into.
For those who have experienced abandonment, whether through estrangement, loss, or emotional neglect, this idea of choice is vital. It restructures the narrative from one of rejection to one of agency. You may not be able to control who leaves you, but you can control who you bring into your life, who you trust, and who you allow to become your people.
This is what made The Golden Girls so impactful for so many. It was one of the first shows that didn’t just depict friendship as something lighthearted or secondary. The Golden Girls positioned the truth in friendship as central and necessary. It wasn’t just that these women were friends; they were family in every way that mattered.
“Family Affair” (Season 2, Episode 5):
One of the best examples of how the show explored this theme is “Family Affair.” The plot focuses on Dorothy’s son, Michael, and Rose’s daughter, Bridget, who visit and reveal they’ve slept together. The revelation sends Dorothy and Rose into a spiral, forcing them to reevaluate their expectations as parents.
What makes this episode significant isn’t just the motherly panic. The moment of realization is accepting that their children are building lives that no longer center around them. Dorothy and Rose, despite their deep love for their kids, are confronted with a hard truth: biological family doesn’t always remain the primary relationship in one’s life.
In the aftermath, the four women lean on each other, filling the emotional gaps left by the realization that their children are moving into their own worlds. It’s a powerful moment of recognition … sometimes, the people who truly understand your struggles aren’t the ones you raised or were raised by, but the ones you choose to keep close. A poignant moment exploring themes of abandonment, empty nest syndrome and even what it looks like in later life.
Blanche’s Relationship with Chosen Family:
If there’s one character who embodies the complexities of family, it’s Blanche. On the surface, she’s confident, flirtatious, and self-assured. But scratch beneath the surface, and there’s a lifetime of seeking validation, particularly from men and from a family that never quite saw her the way she wanted to be seen.
Blanche’s Southern upbringing was steeped in tradition and rigid expectations. She idolized her father, ‘Big Daddy,’ despite his many flaws. She longed for approval, particularly in how she presented herself to the world. But over time, the cracks in these relationships became evident. She was met with judgment, with distance, with the realization that the family she had devoted herself to wasn’t always capable of giving her the unconditional love she craved. In the entirety of the series, even though she presented as deeply connected to her family, you could see as the Seasons ent on, that the bulk of her biological family looked at her from afar, disconnected and often at arm’s length. This all itself is worthy of long pondering thoughts well after you’d turn off the TV and lay in bed reflecting on what you just saw.
And so, this is where Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia come in. They don’t feed into her illusions, but they don’t abandon her either. They call her out when needed, remind her of her worth when she falters, and, most importantly, they stay. For someone like Blanche, who spent so much time trying to prove herself, the stability of chosen family is a lifeline.
“Stan’s Return” (Season 1, Episode 10):
Another powerful episode is “Stan’s Return.” In this episode, Dorothy is caught off guard when her ex-husband, Stan, unexpectedly shows up at the house, seeking emotional support after being left by his much younger second wife. The irony is thick and Dorothy’s facial expressions and reactions tell a thousand stories which are all absolutely riveting. We have a hard time tolerating Stan as a character because this is the same man who abandoned Dorothy after decades of marriage, leaving her to rebuild her life from the ground up. Now, he’s the one feeling lost and discarded, and he turns to Dorothy for comfort, which is obviously repugnant to the viewer.
Dorothy’s initial instinct is to shut him down, to remind him of the pain he caused her. But as the episode unfolds, she finds herself torn between her anger and her old emotional ties. What makes this episode significant is that it doesn’t offer a neat resolution. Dorothy doesn’t fully forgive Stan, nor does she take him back. Instead, she recognizes that she doesn’t need his validation anymore. She has built something new for herself, her own stability, her own family in Blanche, Rose, and Sophia. Stan’s return is disruptive, but it no longer defines her and very moving.
This episode speaks directly to the core message of found family. Dorothy was abandoned, left to navigate a new chapter of her life alone. But she didn’t stay alone. She found people who stood by her, who helped her reclaim her confidence, who showed her that just because someone leaves doesn’t mean you have to be lost. The moment Stan walks out the door again, Dorothy doesn’t collapse, she returns to the kitchen, to the laughter and warmth of the people who never left.
This moment is the essence of chosen family. It reinforces that overcoming abandonment isn’t about waiting for apologies or chasing after those who walked away, and it’s about recognizing the ones who stayed, the ones who chose to be there, day after day. We find truth and power with those who put in the time, energy and desire to actively be a part of our lives.
The next honest question is: How often have we even taken those people in our lives for granted?
. . .
This is the second of six essays on The Golden Girls. The others are as follows:
1. Lessons in Aging: How The Golden Girls Shaped My Perspective on Growing Older with Purpose
2. The Golden Girls and the Psychology of Found Family: A Model for Overcoming Abandonment
3. Grief, Loss, and Moving Forward: The Golden Girls as a Blueprint for Navigating Life’s Goodbyes
5. The Golden Girls in the Time of COVID-19: Finding Solace, Connection, and Meaning in Isolation.
